Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

I’ve never been a fan of movies with happy endings. I’m perfectly fine with a conclusion that includes the bad guy getting away scott free and the good guy reaching an unexpected ending. It’s just more realistic to me, because real life doesn’t get wrapped up in a neat package with a tidy little bow on top.

I know movies are just escapes from reality that give us a chance to forget about our own troubles, but sometimes people confuse the fairytale endings they see on screen with what actually happens to regular folks like you and me. The same happens with all these elaborate sex scenes. Just because you saw DMX put it down on Taral Hicks straight out the shower in Belly doesn’t mean you’ll have the same epic results should you try to recreate the scene…… Well, results may vary based on your sexual skill set, but I digress…

Here are 6 Things That Look Sexy in Movies But Aren’t in Real Life.

Sure, licking sweet sauces and whip cream off your lover sounds like a sensual delight but this is one classic movie cliché that looks way better on screen than it does in practice. Personally, I’ve only used chocolate sauce and whipped cream for deviant desserts back in college, but it made for a real sticky situation and odd-colored stains on my sheets. If you’re not careful with this one you could wind up with ants in your bed when what the ladies really want is Torry between their sheets. 

I was close to testing this one out during one epic Caribbean vacation, but a hotel security guard kept patrolling the beach so me and my lady friend retreated to her hotel room to seal the deal. But from what I’ve heard other than having an even better story to tell, having sex on the beach wouldn’t have lived up to the hype. Sand already has a tendency to get everywhere and let’s just say there are certain places I don’t want those pesky pebbles to go either.

While sex in the rain is still one of my fantasies, if it’s anything like sex in the shower then I might not be missing much. From my experience sharing a shower with your lover is nice in theory but someone always gets stuck in the cold spot. If you actually wind up having sex you’re kind of limited on the positions you can pull off and surprisingly the water tends to dry out my condom (or maybe that’s just me.) Either way I won’t turn down an advance on some aquatic sexual acrobatics. I’m willing to take the cold spot in the shower, but I’d much rather get it in somewhere my feet are firmly planted on solid ground.

This is another movie cliché that’s supposed to make someone look sexy, but truthfully nothing turns me off more than a woman that smokes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a woman that caught my eye but immediately lost my interest as soon as I saw her taking a long pull of a cancer stick. I’m sorry, the thought of tasting nicotine on a woman’s mouth is def not attractive. I don’t care how many times you brush your teeth I can still taste it so I’ll stick to the non-smoking section

I’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing a threesome… Well, there was that orgy I was almost a part of. but that doesn’t count. Still, while a ménage is supposed to be every man’s fantasy I don’t really think it can work (if you’re in a relationship). I always feel like someone’s going to get left out of the equation at some point and this can’t be something you’d do with a woman you actually care about (definitely not your wife). In the event that you do have a threesome while in a relationship, chances are someone’s going to get jealous and the potential headache just sounds like it’s not worth it in the end. See She Hate Me.

I’ve done it all in a car, but let’s face it, now that I’m older I feel that sex in a car is reserved for teenagers that don’t have place to go to and not enough cash for a hotel. Albeit, I’m always down for some road head…. Despite what LL said about swingin’ an episode in the backseat of his jeep I’ve never been interested in automotive erotics. Yeah, tow scenes look good in movies, but I’d prefer a little bit more room to get it in. Besides I’m way too old to be getting arrested for indecent exposure for trying to get my rocks off in some dark alley.

Have you ever tried to recreate any of the above movie sex scenes/acts? If so, where they all that they were cracked up to be? Do you agree that most of these things are sexier on screen than they are in real life? Do you have a problem with bringing food into the bedroom? Does sand really get everywhere when you get down on the beach? Are you turned off by smokers? Would you advise someone on having a ménage trios with someone they actually cared about? When is too old to have sex in a car? What would you add or take off this list?

Speak your piece…


The Friend Zone (No Fly Zone)

Posted: December 7, 2010 in Relationships

It’s been quite some time since I updated this blog, but I have a topic today that we can all relate to: The Friend Zone

“If you not tryna bend, then i’m not ya friend.…… Fuck a friend zone. … ” © Consequence

“Let’s just be friends…,” “I value our relationship too much…,” “You’re like a brother…”

These are just some of the various excuses I’ve heard about why a woman didn’t want to date certain guys since I was about 13. Over the years, these “excuses” have made me think. They made me question whether being the man I was raised to be was worth it? Do women really want thugs or nice thugs? And why can’t a woman have a guy who she knows will do everything for her and still decide to put him in the friend zone, all to date a man who she knows will do nothing but frustrate her?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve finally found the answer.

Are you ready? I’m seriously excited about this. I’m sweatin’ like Eddie Long at a Boy Scout meeting.

Drum roll please…

The reason is this… Actually, I have no f’ing clue.

In the process of writing this piece I learned that every woman has a different reason for why she puts men in the friend zone. The most recurrent reason I’ve heard was that there was “no attraction.” Now as hard of a hit that it is to the ego; it’s real. Despite my massive ego on my manic days, I realize that not every woman wants me. Those that don’t I tend to believe are lesbians but I digress…

Attraction is something that can’t fully be explained like why fried chicken tastes so damn good to black people.

Another reason I’ve found women have put guys in the friend zone was that possibly they weren’t ready for what that person has to offer. Let’s not kid ourselves people, sometimes we claim we want something but we’re really not ready for it. You claim you want to buy a home but you don’t know the real estate climate nor has never contacted a realtor. You claim you want to be rich but you never save money. Sometimes God has to move stuff out of our line of sight for us to appreciate it.

Fellas, I know we get mad when a woman says, “Let’s be friends,” but you have to respect it. If they can’t appreciate you as a suitor then don’t worry about it. Be her friend and learn the real her. Not the fantasy you have about your future family with her. Some on my best female friends I had an interest in when we first met but they didn’t. Then, during the process of being friends, I learned so much dirt about them through their own mouths ain’t no way in hell I’d ever want to date them.

This is what I like to call a Chekov. Chekov is a creative tool that has something mentioned really early in a story or film and then forgotten only to become extremely significant later on. This is why friendship is always the Chekov in relationships. You learn more about people as their friend than you’ll ever learn as their mate.

All in all, I learned that life is too short to live in the past. Nothing is gained by living in a constant cycle of could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. If a woman doesn’t want you don’t sweat it. Cry a river, build a bridge and get over it. Lessons are all around us in life. The problem is that most of us would rather not look and see the lesson. But that’s cool, the lesson will creep up on you soon enough and bite you. When that happens you’ll look for a friend to help take care of the wound. I guess that’s when friend zones feel a little bit better.

Have you ever put someone in the friend zone or been put their yourself? How much does it sting when your feelings for someone else are not reciprocated? Could you maintain a real friendship with someone you had feelings for or would it be too difficult emotionally? Do some people accept the friend zone hoping they can eventually score? Have you ever found yourself attracted to someone you initially only saw as a friend? What changed for you? Or, was there someone you were attracted to but the more you got to know them the more you realized it would have never worked? Is it ever possible to get out of the friend zone or is it truly a dead zone?

Speak your piece…

Before I get into this one, I’d like to give a disclaimer that these aren’t universal for every single man, as everyone and every scenario is different. These are just things I’ve noticed in my own personal dealings with women and should be taken as a guide of sorts into the actions of a man in love, or just one that likes you a heck of a lot.

Without further adieu, here are 6 Things a Man Does When He’s Feeling You…

Sounds simple enough, but in an age where we text, FaceBook, tweet, BBM and do everything but pick up a phone and call, a man making an effort to reach out to talk to a woman speaks volumes. I’m a notorious multi-tasker that falls victim to the ease of electronic communication but it lacks the personal nuances of direct communication.

It’s one thing to have someone call me and I hold a conversation, but if I find myself thinking of a female and longing to hear her voice, chances are I’m feeling her in some way. Drunk dials and booty calls don’t count, only conversations where the man is expressing genuine interest in getting to know a woman.

A lot of people don’t realize it, but listening is an art form. Half of the time when people are talking we’re not listening to the other person we’re only waiting to interject with our own response. Men are the guiltiest of this because a lot of women are long-winded and tend to ramble. Hey, that’s probably sexist but for argument’s sake let’s just say that it’s true.

I’ve found myself caught up in plenty of one-sided conversations with women where I could give a damn about what she was talking about. Whenever I catch myself spacing out and having no interest in her story or what she finds important, I take that as a sign that this woman isn’t the one for me. Yeah, she might be cute and I could be attracted to her; but if she can’t hold my interest in conversation then what’s the point?

On the flipside, when I’m paying attention and communication is flowing both ways there might be hope. In fact, it’s usually when I’m listening and actually interested that I remember important things like a woman’s birthday, favorite flower, movie or color, how many siblings she has and what she said 10 minutes ago. Conversations about sex don’t count, again, only ones where a man is genuinely interested in getting to know a woman.

Ever since I was little boy I hated going shopping with my mother because it was long, tedious and ultra boring. As an adult, I’ve had pretty much the same experience during shopping sprees with the fairer sex. Women stop at every store and section, fawning over the cutest dress/skirt/sweater/blouse/top/jacket, weighing the options of ever accessory and trying on every pair of shoes on sale—no matter if they already have something in the exact same color.

Any man that gets dragged along for the experience is usually bored out of his mind. He’s stuck standing outside the dressing room waiting for her to make a selection out of the several items she’s decided to try on, only to repeat the process as she discovers something that she’s missed while en route to the register. If given the option, most men will pass on the tagalong shopping experience.

However, when a man’s feeling a woman he might not only grin and bear it, but actually participate. A straight man that appreciates how his woman looks might willingly chime in on her outfit and enjoy the mini-modeling show of having her try on different outfits for his approval. Trips to Victoria’s Secret don’t count because what man wouldn’t appreciate a potential lingerie peep show.

Men are very particular about certain things, especially movies and TV shows. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard men say how they’ve never seen Sex & The City But if a woman they were really feeling was dying to see that film or something comparable and equally woman-friendly (i.e. any one of Tyler Perry’s movies) there’s a strong possibility he might bend.

I for one have been roped into watching something I never thought I would because of a woman I was feeling or in love with. In College, my girlfriend had a thing for Golden Girls and every night she would watch it, while I’d much rather check out SportsCenter, but because she was my boo I bit the bullet and suffered through Blanche, Dorothy Rose and Sophia’s antics night after night. I now cringe anytime I come across that show.

For the most part, men are not emotional creatures so crying is the ultimate form of opening up. Now, it’s not like guys are running around shedding tears at every opportunity but in the rare instances where one does it should be noted. Crying is a major display of vulnerability and if a man breaks down in front of a woman because of a death in the family or a similarly tragic experience it displays a considerable amount of trust in her.

Speaking from experience, I’ve shed a tear or two in the past during an intense heart to heart with the then-woman in my life about the death of my grandfather or some painful experience. Being able to express myself in that way was extremely difficult but showed a level of emotional intimacy that a man wouldn’t just share with anyone.

The flipside of the crying scenario is a man shedding tears at the end of a relationship. If a man had no feelings for the woman at all it would be no problem, but a man breaking down over a breakup shows that he truly cared about her. The fake sobs of a man busted for cheating don’t count, though.

Anyone can say “I love you,” but actually meaning it is a whole other ball game. The hard part is discerning when a man is being genuine and not just running game. If the L-word gets uttered during the throes of passion, then it should be taken with a grain of salt, as good sex will make people say and do almost anything. The true test of a man’s feelings comes from his actions.

Do you appreciate someone that’s interested in you actually calling as opposed to texting? How important is voice-to-voice communication in determining whether or not you like someone? Do you agree that listening is an art form? Does good conversation enhance your attraction for someone? Do you appreciate someone that’s willing to sacrifice their time to do something you’re interested in? Do you see crying as a very intimate experience between two people? Would you lose or gain respect for someone that was able to cry in front of you? Have you ever said “I love you” and not meant it? Why?

Speak on it……


Dear Ladies,

I hope this letter finds you well.  While I’m not an artist, I am a writer. So I thought I would take this time to let you know things that I feel some Black women should know about Black men.


1. We don’t think that every Black woman is a bitch, but we damn sure know the difference between a bitch and a lady.
It would behoove you to conduct yourself in a positive manner. We don’t have time for a lot of slick talking, unnecessary debate.


2. Your job doesn’t mean anything to us and neither does your title.
When we choose a mate, we’re more concerned with how they act, and if they’re able to carry on a stimulating intellectual conversation about various subjects. I’m not going to say that we don’t care what you look like physically, because that would be lying. Men definitely care about how you look; we’re just not as obsessed with it as you think we are.


3. We can’t stand your hair weaves!
We can’t touch your hair, let alone pull it during sex. So many of you start off with such long beautiful hair, and then the very next week it’s brand-new hair sewn in. This totally baffles us; it makes us feel like you never satisfied with your image. When it comes to choosing a mate we don’t want an indecisive, self-conscious woman. And we all know you don’t want an indecisive self-conscious man!


4. We don’t want to hear about your ex-boyfriends/husbands and how horrible they were to you.
We are not responsible for their mistakes, nor will we sit around and pay for them. If you have not given yourself enough time to get over your ex, do us a favor and seek psychological help before entering into a relationship with us.


5. No Black Man respects Steve Harvey’s opinion on women.
This man is a professional comedian who is backed up by Oprah Winfrey. How can you believe advice from a woman who can’t commit to a man she’s been with for over 20 years? That’s as asinine as me giving advice to a oncologist on how to diagnose tumors.


6. We know the difference between a wife and a jumpoff.
We don’t need to hear you tell us how much of a “good woman” you are. That will be evidenced by the way that you carry yourself.


7. Its true: All Men Are Dogs!
What you fail to realize is that all dogs have different pedigrees! It’s up to you to determine the difference between the poodles, the mongrels, the German shepherds, and the rabid pit bull’s. Depending on the pedigree some dogs are loyal, and some dogs are wayward much that you should never touch because you could catch something: like rabies!


8. We want a woman who’s going to be willing to submit to us.
Where women mess up, is by thinking that we mean that we want a slave, or a maid. A man who is bringing his A-game desires a cheerleader from the sidelines, who can double as an assistant coach. We also want someone who can play wide receiver as well as understand that there is only room for one quarterback. In layman’s terms, we don’t want you behind us, we want you beside us. We need women who are able to support our dreams and our vision without all of the nagging and jaw jacking that tends to come with some black women..


9. Your girlfriends have absolutely no business in our relationship/marriage!
Many of today’s modern women feel like they need someone to cosign every decision they make in their relationship/marriage. This annoys the living daylights out of every Black man I know, including myself. And that goes double for your male “best friend”. This guy either wants to sleep with you (and you’re unaware of it) or he already has in the past. Either way, he DAMN SURE doesn’t need to know what’s going on in our relationship/marriage!


10. Sex and children are not weapons!
If you manipulate a man by using sex and children, you will eventually find yourself by yourself! Or there’s the alternative: you find yourself with a man who truly does not want to be with you but has no choice, because he wants to see his child. When it comes to sex, it can only hold a weak man hostage. Strong men who have their lives together understand that they have many options. Some of which, are better options than you are.


11. Mind games never work!
Even if you manage to manipulate a man, sooner or later he’ll become aware of your manipulation and he will resent you for it. Thinking that you are slicker than a can of oil, can only lead you to slip up! Men respect women who can be open and honest with them. After all, isn’t that what you want in a man?


12. Don’t go through our phones, our computers or through our cars without our permission.
When you choose to become a private detective in your relationship/marriage, you’re telling us that you don’t have any trust in us at all! Once the trust is broken, you have nothing left to stand on in your relationship. You are not Sherlock Holmes, you are not Nancy Drew, and you damn sure are not Joey Greco from the TV show Cheaters. If you have questions and concerns, open your mouth and address him like an adult. If you can’t do this, and you feel the need to snoop, you might as well leave the relationship.


13. If you have one or more friends who is a slut, most men will tend to believe that you probably are a slut as well.
While that sounds particularly harsh, it’s how men’s brains are wired. Even if you’re not a slut or a whore, why would you condone the behavior of your “friend” who acts like one? That makes as much sense as a man who has a friend who does not take care of his children. Or about as much sense as a man who has a friend who cheats on his wife. If you’re woman with even the smallest ounce of self-respect, you would question us the same way that we would question you if you had a friend who was as open as a Waffle House in the middle of Georgia.


14. Don’t Listen to the Media!
I can assure you that when information is put out of about Black men and Black women, it is done for one purpose and one purpose alone: Ratings! The media is in the business of Ratings, Revenue & Entertainment, not in the business of serving the Black community and Black women in a way that will uplift and empower them. Black men are not all gay or on the “Down Low”! Black men are not all in jail/prison! There are plenty of us who are educated, eligible, hard working and who are willing to love you unconditionally if given the chance. You have to be willing to come to the realization that your “Knight in shining armor” may come in the form of a plumber, mail carrier, or small business owner.

 Men lie, women lie, the numbers don’t, but numbers can be manipulated to say whatever you want to say.

15. Stop using Beyoncé as a life coach!
In recent years, Beyoncé, along with several other R&B artists have made these “Women’s Empowerment Anthems” that have led women to believe that they can throw us “to the left”. Contrary to public opinion and prior belief, if you “bust the windows out of our cars”, we’re going to press charges against you. If you spend your time looking for a “Sponsor”, and Honestly Believe That “If We Liked It Then We Should’ve Put a Ring on it”, then you truly don’t understand what we’re all about. To us when we hear a woman say that she wants a “sponsor”, we hear that she’s trying to use her vagina and good looks for money. Believe it or not, most men don’t want a prostitute. Also, when we Love you, we will “put a ring on it”, and not a minute before we’re ready. Finally, Beyoncé may talk a good game on records and in videos, but what most of you are failing to realize is that she is a very Happily Married Woman! Beyoncé is also the woman who wrote the song “Cater to You”, but for some strange reason you don’t go around quoting that one!

Ladies, these views are my personal take on things that my friends and I have always had issues with when it came to Black women. I hope you take this letter and the spirit of honesty, and not turn it into an attack on all Black Women.

You’re loved, honored, and respected, but like some Black men, some of you need to get it together.